Sick of it

I'm sick of the kids at school who makes jokes out of kids with special needs. I mean, come on people. Do you really think they didn't notice you guys stared and insulted them down the corridors? They have feelings, and did you think they were unhurt by that? I can't believe that i'm friends with you guys, stereotypes. A jerk is what you are. 

To tell you the truth, i think they're truly special. They're beautiful, nicer and innocent and have big hearts. Too bad society can't see that. Seriously, what's wrong with you people? I know someone who cuts her wrist and i ask her why, she said "i'm fat." "no you're not. who told you so?" she mumbled, "my friends. kids at school. everyone." And the worst part of it is, she's only 9. Gee, thanks a lot society. Next time you want to bitch about someone, think about how it would affect that person you talk about. if you care enough to be nice you won't be such an ass. Your so fake, talking about other people weaknesses to feel perfect. To all of those people, screw it. Screw YOU.

The special girl gave me hope :D

Today, when me and my friend was going to the science lab, we came across an autistic girl. My 'friend' whispered to me, "Look. Just look at her" in a mocking tone. "what?" i snapped and i go over beside the girl. "i'm walking with her. Just go on without me." When me and the girl had to part ways, i smiled and waved bye to her and she waved back. This small act gave me warmth inside. I had never thought that she would wave back to me. It just made my day :) To whoever you are, thanks. You gave me hope the world isn't such a cold place.

It just slipped right out of my hand

JENESYS student exchange programme.. 2011 is the last year JENESYS will be held. and the application expired last April... Gosh! i am speechless at my stupidity. i waited from last year to apply and then i forgot about it.. And then..... -.- Hijra! It's a life time opportunity. How could i? How could i! if i could turn around the clock, i would. i'd do anything to get the opportunity back! Gosh! Please tell me this isn't true. Please, turn back the time. If only i wasn't so ignorant.. I was so stupid. If i knew,.. but i knew. I just.. forgot. This is the last year JENESYS program is to held. And i missed the opportunity to join.. Holy crap i'm gonna regret this for the rest of my life now! where else will i find an exchange student programme? if i do find others, i only want to be in AFS! it seems so fun and exciting! Please God! I want to get such experience! JENESYS... I'm just so sad and upset and devastated right now. It would mean so much to me if i get this chance. I beg to God for another chance. I want to get into an exchange student programme that has scholarship. Coz if there isn't scholarship, it would be burdensome to my parents. Intensive Program(this is another exchange student program in AFS) costs as much as RM11 000. How and where would i get that much money? That's why i want JENESYS scholarship. And plus, it's Japan! I love Japan! ... *starting to get upset again* I swear, if i get another, just one chance, i'd do whatever it takes to get that opportunity for the sake my experience and adventure! I want to live a full-filling life, that's why. Please, God, give me another chance. i would even show them my bad grades and risk it. well, that's the point right? taking risks and grabbing opportunities.. now, pleaseee

Just a poem i wrote(like 6 months ago)

When I Was A Little Girl

When I was a little girl

I used to chase butterflies

As I was running and jumping I felt like I was flying

Like the white butterflies I see above

They flap their wings and I flap mine

I was little, but I could fly

When I was a little girl

My mom bought an ice-cream

It was like a ball of fluffy snow

I lick it, it felt cold

I look at mom, she was smiling

And in my heart, it felt warm

As I grow, imagination and dreams began to disappear

Mom says I’m no more a little girl

And the ice-cream stall is no longer selling

Butterflies flew pass

And my wings became smaller

It became harder to fly or even jump

One day, when I wasn’t that little girl anymore

I look out the window

And saw white butterflies dancing with the wind,

A new ice-cream stall opening across the street

And I felt it again, that same heart-warming sensation that I felt

When I was a little girl

When We Were 13

Everyone has their own experience at their thirteens, and i want to share mine.

Day 1 at high school:

     I was blurr.......i arrived at school with no tudung on because i thought high schools would allow the students not wearing tudung.  how foolish of me at that time. =.='' I got scolded for that. Imagine that! On first day of school! I was just a kid from a small elementary school who does not know anything about high school. The only thought of high school for me at that time was, meeting with sporting teachers, fun school, and the dream-like canteen like those in tv where they sell a large variety of food like buffet. imagine how'd i feel.?! getting scold on the first day. It was a bad start, i thought.   

January in high school(form 1):

     Last month, i was a primary 6 kid and now i'm in form 1. I was mature. At least, I FELT like i was mature. In january we were busy with all sorts of forms, arrangements and adapting to high school. High school.....wasn't what i had thought of back when i was a kid. For one, the canteen is horrible, small-spaced and the food was just.. Even my cat won't eat it. My elementary school's canteen was much much much better than...that. But i had to eat. And after a few weeks, i managed to get my tongue used to the bland and 'lifeless' taste of the food. 

February:

     Making new friends was harder than i thought it would be and i was starting to lose my social skills. And talk about the weather! We(form 1 and form 2), are the afternoon session students. We go to school in the afternoon and go home in the late evening. Going to the school, and then had to assembly in the 'Semerbak Hall' everyday, it was like being cooked in an oven every single day!

March: 

This is where high school proved to be more difficult than i had thought. High school, is heaven for those who made friends, and hell for those who can't make friends. It was hell for me. I didn't know what was wrong with me and why can't i just go out there. I became an introverted person. 

April:

I didn't like it, this loneliness. So i tried to make it go away. I had a friend, she was in 1B. umm..before that, let me explain the class system in our school. 

     Form 1               : A, B, C, D, E and so on

            2               : A, B, C, D, E and so on

            3 and so on: A, B, C, D, E and so on

     This friend of mine, I cherish her a lot and i was bored in my current class so i want to change classes to be in the same class with her. Besides, she said her class, 1B is a total fun club. So i thought, i will get bad grades and then get transferred to 1B. My plan is: I will still study, but in the exams, i will pretend to not know the answer. Then, my results will get bad, and in the end of the year, i will be transferred. That was the plan. However then, this kind of mindset in the end made me...not myself. 

May:

     I started to be influenced in the 'high school trend' i thought was. I skipped classes and i didn't study. It was something big to me, as i was always the 'valedictorian' type in my elementary school. Before i knew it, i lost myself and a completely new person overtook myself. 

June: 

     I was emo, a loner. I didn't know it myself, at that time. But something changed. I found new friends. I quickly became part of the group and i was HAPPY. 

October:

It's been a few months since i've met these great individuals. However, nothing lasts forever. We BROKE up because of something silly and i regret that i let that happen. 

     Difference between 2A and 2B:

2A: can focus on study, can be very competitive, discipline and class A's standard is higher than any other classes Disadvantage: Can be very boring and doesn't have a voice

2B: make new friends, a chance to make a new positive personality, fun and not boring Disadvantage: can i make new friends?, 2B is less discipline in its study

       For study or new personality? >.<
      

End of year:

     So the year was ending, i got results of the exam. It was bad as hell. I wondered if the plan will turn out the way i planned? Somehow, i don't know if i want the plan to work out. I've realized about the mistakes i did and i want to change them. I want another chance. But, I wished for it and at that time, i could only leave it to God. Whether A or B, i'll accept it. It may sound like a simple thing to you or other people but to me, to a student who wanted to change her path, it's BIG. 

      so my thirteenth year is...i don't know. you can think about it anyhow you want. But to me, that year, is just another path i had taken to be who i am right now. :D     
The result of it is, coming in the new year, when i was in form 2. Well, if you want to hear/read my story, just keep waiting. I'll be updating, very soon. ^^

Falling down and getting back on the ground

Just got back from practice. On my way back, I wondered why my performance is becoming weak and I speak out about it to my friend,Fazera. And then, she said, at the sports festival,that 4x400 relay, I was slow and that made my team lost and got second place. ??? .....

…

  I.. just.. am.. devastated.. and.. crushed.. I THOUGHT I was good. All this time, i blamed someone else when we lost that 4x400 that day. I blamed HER. And to think it was ME…

    I practiced so hard..and then it was just no use.

  *~* smirk. Naysayers are everywhere.. it's like they can't leave you alone for just one second. It’s breaking me down, they’re suffocating me. My faith is trembling and hope is fading away. What to do? What to do? They’re so fast I was left behind. They were saying in hidden language that I can’t beat them. I don’t know what to do, I don’t know what to think. I feel like giving up. Let it be. Let it be. Let it be. Let it be.

    Kejohanan Olahraga MSSMB is three days away...(sigh) just when i need my motivation the most, it slipped away. =.='' but i know it's too late to give up right now and also i practiced hard for it. I'm just not gonna give it all away for some naysayers. I just hope i have enough strength and don't give up halfway through the race.

“Find your passion, take a giant step and most of all, don’t give up.”

The things in the sky

it's 3.33 am sharp. wondering why am i still here, typing? i don't even know why. ~.~ 

since the last few days, i haven't gotten much sleep.  well...who cares? i watched a zombie movie a few hours ago.. not scary. i repeat, NOT SCARY.  then i went outside to  get some fresh air. i looked up to the sky. there's so many stars tonight. the moon's beautiful too. hmm. i used to watch the stars late at night before i went to bed. why didn't i watch the stars anymore? i dunno.. lately the weather's wasn't very nice. so at night the clouds would cover the sky. only tonight after few weeks i could see the stars shining so bright. wahh...rhymes.. haha. 

if it comes to stars and astronomy, i'm certainly into them. really into them. i wondered
sometimes, why i like stars and astronomy? ado. ya pun nak jadi persoalan juak. forgive my fussy personality. XD 

i think the reason i like stars is that..  i think stars are similar to people. some stars shine brighter than the others.  some stars are waiting for their turn to shine. and some... are waiting to be discovered, or waiting to unleash their inner light. in some ways, the universe is very similar to humans. some people are brighter than the others, for example, the popular kids u see everyday at your school. or really happy people. yesterday, they were really in happy mood. but then they don't. stars don't appear bright every night. stars ALSO don't appear not bright every night. every person has their moment. when they shine brighter than any of them thought they'd be. some stars.... okay, that's enough of blabbing. what i was trying to say is... let's shine like the stars. let's BE the stars. YEAH! i want to be the star someday. i hope i can be like the star in the sky. a star silently shining in the daylight. ape lha yang aku merepek ni... =.=''

                                            LET'S BE THE STARS